Children's Corner

Age-Specific Indicators:

Age is often an indicator of which aspect of death most concerns the child. A child who is old enough to love is old enough to grieve.

Infancy to age 2: Infants and toddlers cannot understand death but they do feel the loss of one who was there to nurture and care for them.

Ages 2-4: Children at two, three, or four years of age have little understanding of the meaning of death. Therefore, the death should be shared through clear and brief explanation or by viewing the deceased.

Ages 5-7: A child of six or seven years of age may experience the feeling of loss, although that feeling is not easily understood. It is helpful to allow the child at these ages to be present at the funeral service.

Ages 8-9: A child at these ages is capable of grasping some of the mysteries of life. They are able to retain vivid memories of the funeral service and should be involved, therefore, as much as possible.

Ages 10-12: Children at this age level have developed the capacity for deep emotions of love ad loss. It is often helpful to include them in the preparations and planning for the funeral service.

Ages 13-16: Adolescents may want to suppress their feelings of guilt and sadness. Although teenagers do not often exhibit emotions outwardly, research has shown that they may actually experience more intense grief than any other age group. At this stage of development, it is essential that the teen share these moments with a loving family and close personal friends.

Should Children Know About Death?

YES: Learning to accept death is a natural experience in life. It is most important that children not be excluded from participating in the funeral service. If exposed to a death, a child should be prepared for and guided through the period of mourning and grief.

WHY?: Surprisingly, the “protection philosophy” with regard to a child’s knowledge of death is a current trend, stemming from our own death-denying culture…Allowing the child to be a part of the ceremonies, and even the conversation, helps relieve their fears.

HOW?: Honesty should frame discussion of death with children, as in all “life-forming” subjects. Since the purpose is to reduce fear and induce trust, all information should be factual, and therefore not easily discounted by “playground buddies…”

SIMPLICITY: [This] is also vital. Too much explanation can cloud [his/her] mind when the child is exposed to new language and ideas.

ENVIRONMENT: [This] often impacts conversation…Possibly staying in the comfort of the family room or going to the familiar backyard playground will spark questions and ease tension.

LOVE: Love, warmth, and reassurance should be shared. Closeness and involvement convince the child that [his/her] security is certain…Actually, the child is comforted by the tears of his/her parents, realizing that if they were to die, the parent would care.

Reference Material for Children:

Preschool:

“When Dinosaurs Die:, by Laurie Kransy Brown and Mark Brown

Primary Ages:

 “It Must Hurt Alot”, by Doris Sanford
 “Lifetimes”, by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen

Intermediate Ages:

“Mick Hart Was Here”, by Barbara Park

High School:

“Help for Hard Times”, by Earl Hipp
“I Will Remember You”, by Laury Dower (Introduction by Elena Lister, MD.)

Sibling Grief:

“Lost and Found”, by Ellen Yeomans (Illustrated by Dee deRosa)

Suicide:

“But I Didn’t Get to Say Goodbye”, by Barbara Rubel

Trauma:

“A Terrible Thing Happened”, by Margaret M. Holmes (Illustrated by Cary Pillo)

Pet Loss:

“Not Just a Fish”, by Kathleen Maresh Hermery (Designed by and Illustrated by children)

Some Reminders about Children:

Just as a tree grows through exposure to rain, snow, wind, and sunlight, so must a developing child be exposed to the realities of life and death. Remember the following:

• Parents should be careful to guide each child’s experience of death based upon that child’s individual needs and level of emotional and psychological development.
• Be sure to congratulate the child for the time that he/she contributed to the happiness and well- being of their deceased loved one during their lifetime.